Destination: Christmas #17

This Christmas series is brought to you thanks to Book Riot’s Literary Advent Calendar. It’s a combination of poetry, short stories, and essays. I’ll be posting every day, some days twice to keep up with my regular posts. Click the story title for the full text. Now, let’s get this Christmas show on the road!

Day 17

Who named these guys wise men? by Dave Barry

Good evening everyone!

My apologies for skipping out on last night’s Christmas post. As I’d mentioned, my best friend got home yesterday and last night we spent it together. Drinking and playing Jenga because what else do you do when your other half returns to you after a two month long separation? You drink. You play Jenga. You laugh at ridiculous things. You’re giddy. And then you go to sleep because all that laughing takes a toll. So, that.

The article slotted for today is meant to be cute, but falls so far from the mark that you’d think it was on purpose. Something about wise men bringing Christ terrible gifts. About how by now women have bought and wrapped a million gifts and men are still scratching their balls trying to figure out what to do. Chuckle, chuckle, cut men some slack because we’re adorable goofballs. Such is life. Accept it.


That’s insulting to both men and women. Are you telling me that men are incapable of picking out good gifts? Of being thoughtful enough to choose something that the people in their lives will enjoy? And then, are you also, in the same breath, telling women that they have to grin and bear it when their partner puts absolutely no thought into a gift for her after she took the time to choose some he’d love?

Your dick doesn’t excuse you, guy. And it doesn’t excuse the men who think like you. Being thoughtless is not cute or funny, but it does make you a jerk. And it does a disservice to the men who actually do take time out of their lives to take stock of who their partner is and what they would enjoy as a gift. There is no need to cut you some slack, but there is the need to cut you away from the notion that it’s acceptable to generalize men and women into this mass of endearing thoughtlessness and type A nagging OCD.

And while we’re at it, let’s stop shoving women into this 1950’s perfect housewife mold. Your wife or girlfriend or mother or whoever has wrapped a million gifts because you’re a jerk who’s perfectly ok with not helping. But, and bear with me, she might not have done any of that. She might still be looking for the perfect gift a week before Christmas because women were not born with a handy “Shopping guide for everyone” guide. And she’ll wrap it hastily or maybe not at all. She’ll give it to you and you’ll probably love it. Because she’s listened to you going on and on about all the things that you feel passionate about. But you also might not, because women are imperfect too. This is an attempt to make men seem like these trembling, puppy eyes messes that just want to make you happy, but actually it’s just trying to make doing the bare minimum seem cute.

How about you lower your expectations of women and get to know your partner well enough to buy her a decent gift that won’t upset her. Or, you know, just ask her what she’d like, you lazy jerk. I promise it’ll be better than a Weed Whacker.

Rant over.

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