Of Misunderstandings, Ineptitude, and Frustration

Hello, readers.

It’s the start of a new week and I don’t know about you, but mine is looking grim. As the end of the semester approaches professors are scrambling to get in everything they want to say and tensions are running high. And though it seems like everyone is working together in order to get to the end in one piece, that is definitely not the case.

I’m currently dealing with the worst group project experience I’ve ever had in the unnecessary amount of years I’ve spent at the university. It’s one of those things where no one quite gets what the other people are saying, so it takes forever to get a consensus. Then even after you reach a consensus, people kind of go do their own thing anyway. So, in the end, the hours you spent trying to reach an agreement were wasted. Absolutely wasted.

It’s a problem when people are so sure that they’re right all the time, that they can’t see exactly how wrong they are. I’m not saying I’m perfect, not even saying I’m easy to get along with or work with. But I’d like to think I can accept when I’m wrong, that I can back down and let other people who know more have their say. Maybe I’m blind to my own shortcomings and should apply this to myself. However, this isn’t about soul searching it’s about writing shit out so I don’t go out into the world and say things I can’t take back.

There is still time before this project is over and done with and I still feel like leaving the group and doing shit on my own. Especially when I think about the fact that we all get the same grade. I’m frustrated and unhappy and frustrated some more. End of the semester will do that to you. And all you can do is shut your mouth, suck it up, and get shit done. Also you should probably stop writing blog posts and pay attention to class.

I’m gonna go do that. Until next time, readers.

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Rangent: On Being Better

Hello, dear readers.

Wednesday rolls around yet again, all smooth curves and shiny trails. It’s 6:14am and I’m sitting in bed thinking about being better. Sometimes you fall under the impression that you’re doing things well, only to realize that you’re not. Not even a little bit. In fact, it’s kind of a hot mess that misses it’s purpose.

Heat was applied to it. So. Fucking. Messy.

Usually those moments of realization come with crippling anxiety, overwhelming frustration, and anger born of persistent feelings of inadequacy. And, while it’s true that some of that still remains, I’m surprised to find it’s coupled with a sort of calm acceptance and, most incredibly, a plan. There side by side with a jittery need to be better, I found concrete things I could do to get there.

And I know this all sounds like bullshit. You have a problem, you find a solution. Blah, blah, blah. Except, sometimes the anxiety and frustration can be blinding. It makes it really difficult to see past them and into what can only be called the light at the end of the tunnel. (It could be called many other things, but it’s 6am and I’m having an epiphany. This is no time to challenge clichés.) And sure, after it all subsides, you still get to a solution so you possibly end up in the same place. But now I feel relaxed about the whole thing, rather than landing on a solution after a panicky struggle.

Am I explaining this well? No, not at all. Is it still important? Yes, yes it is. To me it is at any rate. Because it means things are changing and they could possibly be changing for the better.  It means maybe this new and improved (Leave my clichés alone.) version of me could possibly have some chill, some zen, some “right thing at the right time” situations. It’s a nice thought, right?

Anyway, this self-serving post is brought to you by the knowledge that things are changing. Whether the changes will stick, whether they’ll be good or bad, whether this is all an early morning hallucination, that’s all crap for another story (read: another post).

Have a good one, readers. Until next time!

Final Thoughts: Amnesia Moon by Jonathan Lethem

What? Monday, already? Time flies when you’re completely unaware of what’s happening. I don’t know. I reserve the right to not make sense on Mondays. That’s a thing, right?

By the way, did you guys see that eclipse last night? That was some pretty nifty stuff. I watched it from my balcony with the parental units, which turned out to be fairly pleasant. Until someone decided to play Marc Anthony for ambiance. What the actual hell, man? I can’t even.

Last week I shared with you my frustrations about reading Amnesia Moon by Jonathan Lethem. This week, I have to say, I’m still fucking frustrated you guys! When I said I was about halfway through, I didn’t realize I was actually nearly done with the novel. Which meant the end came swiftly and without warning, unlike a capital death sentence which takes its sweet time before killing you. What?

Getting back to the subject at hand. You guys, what the hell. I’m so annoyed with this book! I mean, I really liked it which is what is so annoying! I feel like the book ended just as the story was gaining speed. The obsessive part of me just wants to see what happens with the characters now that they’re ACTUALLY doing something. Except, I don’t think that’s what the book is about at all.

It’s not about the life they lead, but rather about all the things they’ve forgotten. About how reality shifts and rearranges around these dreams and the power it takes to break yourself from that pull, that same as everyone else line of thought. It’s also about the consequences of doing your own thing in worlds where by law, everyone is supposed to follow the will of a few. It really is a cool book, even through the vagueness.

Still, I can’t get past the fact that it ends in the middle of what feels like a beginning. I think it would’ve been better if it had ended in a deeper ambiguity, like pushing you deeper into the sea of uncertainty. Instead, the ending is a jolt of certainty that leaves you jonesing for more. It’s a weird feeling, taking off with such purpose and falling flat on your face because the narrative road ended. What the hell, Lethem? Stop giving me complex emotions, geez. Frankly, it’s unnecessary.

Lies. It’s completely necessary and worth it. In any case, read it. You’ll probably enjoy it. (I sound super reliable right now, don’t I?)

Have you ever read Amnesia Moon or anything else by Jonathan Lethem? Did it leave you a befuddled mess as it (clearly) did me? If you’ve read anything else by him, let me know what I should read next!

Stay golden, readers. And stay tuned for my Banned Books post on Wednesday!

Until next time!