On Sudden Changes

Hello, readers!

These past few weeks have been full of ups and downs for me. Mostly downs, if I’m honest. I’ve gotten bad news and worse news. Relationships have changed, then changed again. I’ve had conversations that have sparked moments of panic and crisis. All in all, the last two weeks have been kind of intense for me.

Probably the worst part about the whole thing is that I took them for granted. As things that would obviously be there, people who would probably never change. But, of course, that’s not the way things work. People do change and the things you expected to be there are suddenly nowhere to be found. And as you’re falling, suddenly realizing your entire plans have to change, you start scrambling to find stuff to cushion you when you land.

Except, very few things can cushion heartbreak. Unexpected, incredibly painful, a broken heart is all about muddling through and trying to reach the end intact. It about salvaging the pieces and figuring out how to make them fit once you’re ready. Maybe it’s about relearning new patterns for love, channeling them into bigger and better things. Heartbreak is definitely a hard one to stick the landing with, mostly you land in a messy heap. Ice cream and mascara all over the place.

Fortunately, other things, difficult as they are, are much easier to deal with. They’re still messy and insanely frustrating, but they’re manageable. It doesn’t matter how big, how sudden, how completely bereft of options you feel, there’s always a way. Finding a solution and putting it in place, can be immensely satisfying. Especially when a few days ago you were scrabbling around for a way to keep the walls from crashing down.

I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten it all figured out. Sometimes I’m still angry and sad and hurt. Sometimes, my mind wanders into those places where hope lives only to come back and face the disappointment of reality. I’m dealing with it though, day by day. Sometimes, it’s the only thing you can do.

Until next time, readers.


Alphabet Soup: W is for Wife

This segment titled Alphabet Soup: The alphabet according to someone with very little shame and a lot of time on her hands was inspired by blogger Mandy Wallace and the Writers of Kern A to Z challenge. Enjoy!

Happy Friday, readers!

I hope you’re all doing well and getting ready for the weekend! My version of that is to stay at home studying all day because tomorrow I have my grad school admission test. Wuuuuuut?! Terrifying stuff, man. I haven’t taken a math class since high school. So, I’m hoping the cram session will do me some good. And what am I going to do afterwards, you ask? I’m taking my wife to Disneyland! Nah, I’m too broke for that. I’ll probably take her out for a beer though, or something.

W is for Wife

People always react weirdly when I say I have a wife. First they assume I’m legally married to someone and also a lesbian, then when I clarify it’s neither they dismiss the whole thing as a trend. And it definitely is a trend, girls saying they’re married to their best friends. It’s usually just another term for best friend though, which doesn’t make it less just different.

When I say she’s my wife, I mean I’d probably actually marry her. The closest I can come to describing it is being in an asexual relationship. She’s the one person I love doing nothing with. The one person I can picture spending the rest of my life with. Commitment with her, in any of its iterations doesn’t seem daunting. It seems normal, almost obvious.

I see her and I think she sees me, which is really all we’re looking for in life, isn’t it? We all want that person who is always there for us. Who gets our jokes, who listens, who is actively interested in what we have to say. That one person who is excited when good things happen for us, whose words are never empty.

So no, it’s not just a trend. I don’t just mean she’s my best friend, although she is that too. The fact that you don’t quite understand it, doesn’t mean it’s something to be dismissed. It’s real and kind of electrifying when you think about it. To have stumbled upon something so solid, so there. She makes me happy, ya know?

She’ll read this at some point. We’ll both be mildly embarrassed because neither one of us has any idea how to deal with feelings. It’s nice.

(By the way hwife, we’re going for a beer date tomorrow after my test. Yes? Yes. Kloveyoubai!)

Until next time, readers!

Rant + Tangent = Rangent

Happy Sunday, everyone!

I’ve been thinking a lot about people and relationships, trying to figure out a way to tie it in with the book I’m currently reading. I realized though, that the beauty of a blog is being able to share your thoughts without someone dictating what or how you write. To that extent, I’ve decided to go on a rangent, a cross between a rant and a tangent! =P

Life is about expectations. Our parents expect us to be successful and give them grandkids, we expect our friends to be honest with us, we have have expectations from people we haven’t even met. Tangled up with expectation is having faith in people, being hopeful for the future, and being optimistic about life in general. The flip side is that these expectations can be crippling for those on the receiving end; it can be a lot of pressure to live up to someone else’s ideal.

Relationships, of any kind, are full of expectations – loyalty, honesty, solidarity, monogamy, children. We fall for people and assume they will have the same notions we do when it comes to things like family and amount of partners, because we expect them to follow the norm even when we desperately hope they’re exceptional. Sometimes people freak out when you mention children early on or when you suggest the idea of having multiple partners. I understand that monogamy works for some people, but it doesn’t work for everyone and condemning it just because it breaks from an established pattern of dating is limiting.

I, for one, believe it’s possible to love someone, while still being involved with and loving other partners. I know it sounds like a hippy thing to say, but it’s possible to have more than one meaningful relationship at once. Most people don’t see it that way though, and they tend to freak out if you mention anything serious or having to do emotions before an allotted amount of time has passed. It’s like we’re all programmed with a timeline of when it’s acceptable to share your feelings without being considered crazy. To me though, that just means that you spend more time worrying about when you feel things, than actually enjoying the feeling. I’d rather enjoy it when it’s there and remember it fondly when it’s not. Still sounding like a hippy, I know.

We expect people to play it cool, to play their cards close to their chest (is that how that saying goes?), but then we’re all wondering what this or that comment means, why the other person did or didn’t do something. Expectations can propel us to bigger and better things, within our relationships and outside of them too, but they can also be exhausting. I’m the type to put all my cards on the table, which might explain why I’m terrible at card games! Seriously though, I think being honest from the beginning about wanting a family or being terrified of children, the kind of relationships we’re looking for, being into Star Wars vs. Star Trek. It’s important to be on the same page and talking about it doesn’t have to mean you’re planning the wedding. It just means that if things actually do get serious you both know where you stand.

At least, that’s my opinion on it all. What do you think, readers? Monogamy or polygamy? Talking about it or waiting until it’s serious to discuss things? Let me know in the comments below!

I’m leaving tomorrow for a mini vacation and I’m not sure whether I’ll have internet access. So, I’m taking a little leave of absence from the blog and I’ll be back on Thursday, hopefully with pictures and stories about what I did!

Stay golden, readers. Until next time!